Who am I...Who am I really?
I used to think I knew...I felt so sure in my late teens and twenties of my path and my choices but looking back on them I had no idea what I was doing. I was chasing different careers for all the wrong reasons. I spent 3 years of a 4 year nursing program miserable..when I finally quit and decided to pursue criminal justice and then art my family thought I was crazy...good thing the military paid for it all. That's the one good decision I made early...joining the Air National Guard as a medic ended up being some of the best years of my life.
Of course now that I'm staring at 42 I finally realize what I should have spent the last 20 years on..why has that wisdom come so late?
I wanted to be dashing...daring..important...cool...I fulfilled those titles and I did some exciting things but now I'm left feeling bereft and adrift in my 40's...
Now I wish I had moved to Calif or NY after high school and started from the ground up at some children's publishing company and maybe I would be a children's book illustrator/writer or editor now...
Maybe all my experiences, as a medic in the AF, police officer, karate champion, broken hearted girl, world traveler, fat person, mom, wife etc will help me with writing. I feel like maybe all my adventures and chapters will help me... I believe they were not a waste although the past 10 years has felt like a vast wasteland of despair for my professional life but a joyous, insanely wonderful adventure personally.
From 1999 to now I have felt like a failure professionally and until 2003 I was very lonely for a mate I thought I would never find. Meeting Walter was the most wonderful gift and having two wonderful children was something I feared would never be. I am definitely blessed in my personal life.
One of my biggest regrets was leaving the military. I had planned on staying 20 years and retiring. Instead I left in disgrace a big fat mess. After losing the man I thought was the love of my life, my beloved grandmother passing away, my mom moving to CA to be with a man we all disliked and my best friend joining a new church and getting married leaving me feeling alone led me to eat like an insane person...it was no ones fault but my own that I never reached out for help except to the supermarket. If there is one thing I learned, finally, is that if I need help I have to ask for it and not be ashamed or worry about how people may judge me.
One of my biggest regrets was leaving the military. I had planned on staying 20 years and retiring. Instead I left in disgrace a big fat mess. After losing the man I thought was the love of my life, my beloved grandmother passing away, my mom moving to CA to be with a man we all disliked and my best friend joining a new church and getting married leaving me feeling alone led me to eat like an insane person...it was no ones fault but my own that I never reached out for help except to the supermarket. If there is one thing I learned, finally, is that if I need help I have to ask for it and not be ashamed or worry about how people may judge me.
I have had struggles since becoming a mom ..I always wanted to be a stay at home mom but never realized what that meant until I did it. Very lonely and very overwhelming. I think you can be a wonderful parent but not be good at parenting...I always thought I would be a little June Cleaver and Supernanny all rolled into one. Instead of doing crafts and baking cookies every day with the kids I'm taking care of my disabled mother and doing an endless to-do list that never seems to be completed.
I'm trying though...hopefully when they are looking back on their childhood they will have good feelings about it or at least they'll find a good therapist to pour their hearts out to :) haha
Seriously, I know I'm doing a good job most days...some days not so much but I think that's the norm and I could be a little less hard on myself (that's what my therapist tells me anyway) :)
Seriously, I know I'm doing a good job most days...some days not so much but I think that's the norm and I could be a little less hard on myself (that's what my therapist tells me anyway) :)
And my mom..well that's a whole nother story :)
